In these past few very busy, but in a good way for the most part, weeks, a topic of conversation that has come up on numerous occasions has to do with our hearts, with our feelings, and how do we appropriately understand and relate to them, and how do we seek to relate heart to heart in significant relationships in healthy, life-giving, forward progressing ways.

First off, we must agree that our Hearts are important…as I have previously discussed.  There is no possibility of a deeper, more meaningful life, which I believe requires the building of deeper, meaningful relationships, without our Hearts and their myriad feelings and moods and desires that defy our logical and reasoning minds.

Our hearts, our feelings, require attention — acknowledgment, validation, tenderness and care. It seems to me that this is simply how our Maker, who values love above law, created us. And when we our hearts are denied these requirements, no amount of logic, reasoning or iron-clad arguments can ultimately appease or substitute for these requirements.

I see this principle at work in me all the time.  Even when life seems to be going as it should, running or progressing smoothly at least on the surface, an “ache” lodges itself in my being whenever and to whatever extent I have chosen to ignore or even neglect hearing my heart in the first place (because subconsciously I have believed the inconvenience and risk of messiness presented by my feelings is better side-stepped).

Even if there is not an obvious pain (which can be a clear-tell sign of years of chronic systemic neglect), there is a loss of what we sometimes call “heart”–that extra boost of motivation, confidence, conviction that can only truly arise when what a person is pursuing is not only “good” in line with adequately meeting those practical physical needs and moral standing, but is also truly “good” in the eyes of the person’s heart passions.  While smiles can be faked to an extent, the depth to which the smile truly sits in a person’s soul cannot be manufactured through any “10 steps” or “How-to-books” methodology.

The attention requirements of our hearts come into significant play in our relationships as well.  Particularly in our close, intimate relationships (such as marriage, family, and certain friendships), where two people have chosen to build a relationship of trust and some level of interdependency, where we give each other permission to affect our day-to-day lives, and perhaps our hearts and how we feel about things and about ourselves. When we let people in and give them the necessary standing in our lives to know us, care for us and support us, as well as to potentially hurt us as deeply as we have allowed them in.

If/when we feel as though are hearts are neglected, we experience lack of care as personal and deeply wounding, even if it is more often than not a result of neglect by default versus anything intentional or even conscious. Especially if we have not as individuals been in the habit of knowing how to acknowledge and care for our own hearts in the first place, then we may experience the hurt as doubly wounding.

Firstly, as our hearts had never felt safe or important in the first place, being neglected by someone we love then becomes reinforcement of our heart’s preexisting insecurity. Secondly, if we have in any way trained ourselves to ignore our feelings (or perhaps simply have not applied the necessary attention required for breakthrough in understanding), then we likely have not reached a place where we know how and/or feel safe enough to articulate what our hearts are needing to ourselves, never mind to another person, no matter how much our minds believe that person’s “I love you.”

What we must learn to do with our Hearts is to:

(1) Acknowledge their importance, with no judgment based on reason and rationality, because that is not the nature of our Hearts and feelings.

(2) Learn to hear what our Hearts are saying, what they are truly needing, above and beyond its very real first need to be heard in the place (not stopping at the “surface” want, i.e. a brand new convertible, or 10 new pairs of designer shoes, but digging a bit deeper to underlying core needs such as for assurance of being important and worth the cost because you have questioned that all your life, or of needing and deserving more care and attention when you have perhaps been neglected).

(3) In our closest relationships we are seeking out or need to seek out and build, learning how to open up and communicate at that heart level, what we are feeling, what we need, in a non-accusational, non-confrontational manner. Not that this is an easy thing to do, because it isn’t. But it is possible, and there is no substitution for building deeper love and trust. Only when we learn how to communicate these deeper heart needs, and we learn how to communicate them in a way that the people we love can understand that it is an act of faith, a display of the level of trust you are choosing to place on that person, that the heart can be healed, whole and full.

In closing, I want to clarify that choosing to acknowledge and attend to our Hearts is not in any way condoning the idea that we should let our Hearts lead. While I believe our Hearts are an important window into and a significant part of who we are, they are not designed or reliable to lead. Our minds, our “heads,” our rational selves, are uniquely equipped to take in and process all relevant information (including but not exclusively the heart) and make decisions required for living a good life.  Wise decisions take the heart into account, because the heart is what understands and experiences a truly healthy, whole and full life.