Every now and then, someone will suggest to me that I am a perfectionist. While I sometimes feel like I can definitely relate to certain traits encompassed by perfectionism (both some positive ones and some very negative debilitating ones), I know that it isn’t quite me, at least not in the most traditional understanding of the term.
I value excellence in everything I do and strive to do things well and think about how to do whatever it is I’m doing or thinking about doing better at least than what I perceive as average… Because back in grade 8, I had adopted this mantra: “The most I can and the least I can do is to try my best.” But overall, I am not a particularly detail-oriented, naturally appearance-/image- monitoring and up-keeping, organized sort of person. Except for when I’m in certain moods and/or find a reason for where making the extra effort seems to serve some higher purpose I care about, I am not the type of person who maintains an immaculate appearance, for myself (sometimes it just isn’t worth losing the extra 5 minutes of sleep in the morning to properly brush my hair or get some make-up on my face…), or, although often to my dismay these days, for my home.
If I have to choose, tending to my deeper needs come first, even though sometimes (well, oftentimes) taking the time and effort to address the needs of my heart can be so draining that it results in an outward dishevelled appearance…that when I’m back in my right mind and a sound heart, I’m just super grateful that none of my family and friends judge me based on my appearance!
I like to describe this as wanting to be the type of person — well, perhaps it once was driven more by a desperate need to be the type of person (during the days when my depression was at its strongest and it was difficult to want to live) — that would prefer things to be imperfect on the surface, but in the process of approaching a more true, deep perfection underneath.
For example, my dream was never to have this fancy beautiful wedding day, if I had no solid reason to expect a “perfect” marriage (or a “good” one that is more likely to grow better rather than worse over time) to follow… I would rather spend more money, time and energy planning for how to build the marriage that I want, even if it means losing some financing and time to create the wedding of the century…
Also, during my teen years, the reason I chose sobriety besides having a general respect and desire to honor governing laws designed to attempt (as best as can be by “law”) to keep our nation relatively ordered and safe — why I didn’t want to experience my kicks in life from becoming drunk or high off alcohol and drugs — was that I never wanted a false sense of things being okay, when I knew my heart really was not yet okay at all. I believed that if life really was worthwhile, then it would need to be able to prove itself to be so without drug-induced happiness (if it can even really be called happiness) — life, if it was truly precious in and of itself and worth treasuring, would need to have some inherent nature to be or become experienced as a “party,” as something to celebrate. Granted, I have reflected back on my suicide attempt experience and concluded that in some ways teens who are getting through life with some dependance on alcohol and drugs are at least buying themselves some time for the resources to build a better life to come along and kick in — whereas my refusal to “escape” could have cut my life short. If God had not found me, spoken to me, challenged me to give Him a chance to show me something new… Thank goodness He did, and that He could and did follow through =)
I believe it is important to recognize that wanting a “Picture Perfect” Life is not anywhere near the same as wanting to build a more “Truly Perfect” Life. And, unfortunately, they are not only very different things to pursue in life, they can often run counter to one another — they can be brutal enemies of one another…. unless, I think, one knows how to prioritize the latter before the former. Then…as we build our foundations for what makes a truly perfect life on the inside, then naturally the outside will become what it best can be… Wholeness and health on the inside will radiate out in ways that trying to build from the outside in can never achieve.
Blog Topics on Perfectionism in the works:
(1) Never Good Enough: The Debilitating Effects of Perfectionism
(2) 3 Kinds of Perfectionism…And the One most Responsible for Killing Our Will to Live
(3) Perfected by Grace